Saturday, October 30, 2004
When I was in high school, I was the feature editor of the English publication. Though I was in a relative high position, I am not as good as my friends are ( who were also my co-editors in the school paper). My works lack the proper syntax and contain erronous grammar. My vocabulary is also limited because I tend to forget new words that I encounter daily.
Writing was never a talent to me. Until now I still struggle at grammar and correct usage of words. I am also faulty in paragraph unity because most of my sentences are deranged of one thought. That is how bad I am as I writer. Yet I dont get it why people still read my work.
Keeping my blog updated is a different thing. I used my blog as an outlet of my emotions. What you read is what I feel. There are certain days when my writings are nice and fun but most of the times they are gloomy and sad. Sometimes I am aware that it is incoherent, but I don't bother to changed it. I believe that if I perfect my blog updates, then it won't come from my heart anymore (Hahahahaha! Yeah right! So much for justification!).
Despite the fact that I have immeasurable imperfections in my writing, someone told me that I am good. (Hahahaha! I have a fan! joke!) This is not the first time that somebody complimented my work, its just that there's something in the person's comments that is so sincere that I felt warmth in my heart. He said that my blog should not be read in the haste time of office hours but in the comfort of leisure time. He finds my blog sensible and worth reading. He said that in all sincerity and I believe him.
****To you, who reads my blog and sends email regularly to keep in touch, thank you. Your emails are one of the few things that make me smile.
Monday, October 25, 2004
After working for a call center for almost two months, my biological clock is altered. I would sleep at 4 am and wake at 12 noon. I am spending the wee hours surfing the net and watching TV. I am also hooked into chatting.
I am chatting to different people every night. Each person has a different story to tell and worth listening or rather worth reading. But almost all of them shares the same pattern of life. They are all skeptical about love and commitment. Each of them talks about how hard it is nowadays to stay in a healthy love relationship. And how time, distance, and priorities negate the possibility of commitment.
I was reading the Panorama( Sunday magazine under Manila Bulletin) and I was touched by the article written by Mrs. Anita Meily. October 25 would be the 52nd wedding anniversary of Joe (her hubby) and Mrs. Anita. Though she is eleven years widowed, she never forget to go to mass and thank the Lord for giving Joe to her.
According to her, the reason why most marriages fall apart is because the couples are lee in touch with their true feelings with one another. A wife and husband can be each other’s bestfriend. They should learn how to be open and relax with each other. That is the most important element in relationship that couples failed to incalculate miserably.
Communication is overshadowed by financial well-being and physical attraction. Sometimes guys don’t take the time to “meet” the girl by heart. They are overwhelmed by beauty and grace, thus engaging in an early relationship and eventually in the course of it they will discover things about their partner that they are not ready to accept. Then the couple separates because of those things that were discovered and most people call these things by the term “individual differences”.
As a young adult, these scenario alarms me. Four to seven years from now I will be starting to consider a lifetime commitment. Will still there be hope for my generation to make the masterpiece of human relationships work? Sometimes I am considering to stay alone and solitude that I don’t have to cry a river for a failed relationship.
My parents' relationship wasn’t perfect. After my dad died, my mom heard rumors that my dad had a mistress. However, no one had proven that. My mom is a widow just like Mrs. Anita. She was widowed when she was 47. Some relatives say that she is still young and the possibility of remarrying is not far fetch. But I believe my mom when she told me that she won’t marry again. I don’t know…she may have said that ten years ago to calm me. But after all these times I still believe her, there was something in what she said that I felt is so sincere and spelled endless.
Mrs. Meily’s article was more on reminiscing the lovely relationship she had with her husband. For a young love junkie like me, it seems like a dream to hear such fairytale-like story. I wanted to quote the article’s last paragraph:
“Do I feel sad today on our wedding anniversary? Not at all. I miss Joe, of course. There will forever be a void in my heart. But I know that Joe is in a far better place than all of us are today. I can only feel grateful for the opportunity given to me by the Lord to have loved and been truly loved during the 40 years Joe and I were together.”
Saturday, October 23, 2004
If only
I would like to share this song which I heard on the radio...There's really nothing special about the melody...but the lyrics is very honest. How I wish lovers would be the same...honest enough to admit that hearts yarn for that somebody.
If Only
Sarah Geronimo
You came into my life and made me see
That I can learn to breath and live again
But it seems that you've had a change of heart
And everything we have, you're willing to throw away
Did you ever feel that I can ever love you for real
Why did you have to go
Baby I need you so
Chorus
If only I can be back in your arms again
That I can make you feel the love we knew back then
Maybe you and I would see forever
If only I can be back in your arms again
Oh how can I ever know
That you're simply everything to me
And how can I make you believe
That I would truly live and die for you
I can't understand how you could ever break my heart
Why did you have to go
Baby I need you so
Friday, October 15, 2004
Dostoyevsky's fault
I just finished reading The Brothers Karamasov just this afternoon. I have read the book in college, but I never tasted the pages. I just read it for the sake of reading it because I was forced to submit a book review about it. After reading it again, my opinion about the book was still the same. It is gloomy as the Russian peeps.
I was with friends just this evening. It was Edfer's semestral break so we invited him to join us for some videoke. I really did have fun with them. We sang and ate BBQ. It was really fun. I got home at 10 pm.
I was about to retire for the night when I started to feel something. Suddenly after all the fun, I am getting lonely and a pang of emptiness. We did some reminiscing about our high school days. And for me high school is the pasteuring ground for my feelings for my first love. And things didnt turned out well so I guess whenever I would be reminded of high school, his memories comes along.
DARN! Blame Dostoyevsky! Because of his novel I am feeling gloomy today! Those Russians! Ah...They make life harder for everybody!
(Left to right) This is me in black with an orchid in the ear and holding a balloon. Beside me is Nal, my friend since elementary. Jasmine Trias was in the Philippines....so there's a flower mania (that explains the silly flower i have) :)
Monday, October 11, 2004
Moon: What's wrong? Why are you sad?
Luisa: Nothing...just couldnt get things right. I just hate the turn out of events.
Moon: What is wrong?
Luisa: Moon, have you ever thought of leaving your sky? Because you think she is bad and she doesnt care whether you are there or not?
Moon: I am always hiding from her. If you noticed there are certain days in which you cannot see me in the sky.
Luisa: Then is she upset? Does she missed you?
Moon: Sometimes she is...but I have to do that in order for her to learn the things in her own way. If I wont leave her, do you think she will know what darkness means? Once in a while she has to be on her own.
Luisa: I see....
Moon: But it doesnt mean that I dont love the sky when I leave her. I love her that is why I want her to grow...to be the sky she is...
Luisa: But what about me? I was left alone in the middle of a hanging cliff with no one to love and no one to be with...
Moon: Dont worry he doesnt deserve you. You deserve someone better....He is just a good for nothing b******. You'll find other deserving guy who will not make you cry and will love you forever.
Luisa: Thanks moon, you made me feel better.
Moon: Sky was not my first love, Sun was. But sun was too hot for me and she burned me like hell. Though Sun is my first love, Sky is my great true love. Sun will always be a part of me, but my heart belongs to Sky forever....
****This is what happens when you are always thinking about how bitter your love life is....you become a lunatic and started talking to the moon and worse moon is talking back.
Friday, October 08, 2004
Burned
5:00 pm, after sweeping the dry leaves I burned the pile together with some old stuff I have. It was kinda dark so the fire glares in the semi-dark afternoon. While watching some scratch papers burned together with the dry leaves I watched the fire flicked. I was fascinated. There was red in the outer fire, orange next to the red, yellow in the inner and blue in the core.
The fire reminded me of the stars and their different ages, where the blue is the hottest and the red as the coldest. The fire was bright and hot. I was drawn with the brightness of it. I was like hypnotized. Slowly, I raised my hand and moved my hand closer in the fire and before I knew it…ouch!
My pinky had blister. It was crazy of me rather stupid to draw my hand near the fire. I didn’t know what came to me that I want to touch the fire. When I entered the house, my mom asked what happened to my pinky. I just told her that it was just an accident.
Lesson learned: Do not sweep the dry leaves in your backyard! Hahahaha….Joke! Let yourself be fascinated with the light that the fire is emitting but do not dare touch it. Though the fire is dancing and seducing you to touch it, don’t do it. Take it from me! I once let myself be seduced with the brightness of the fire and I was burned…badly burned.
The fire reminded me of the stars and their different ages, where the blue is the hottest and the red as the coldest. The fire was bright and hot. I was drawn with the brightness of it. I was like hypnotized. Slowly, I raised my hand and moved my hand closer in the fire and before I knew it…ouch!
My pinky had blister. It was crazy of me rather stupid to draw my hand near the fire. I didn’t know what came to me that I want to touch the fire. When I entered the house, my mom asked what happened to my pinky. I just told her that it was just an accident.
Lesson learned: Do not sweep the dry leaves in your backyard! Hahahaha….Joke! Let yourself be fascinated with the light that the fire is emitting but do not dare touch it. Though the fire is dancing and seducing you to touch it, don’t do it. Take it from me! I once let myself be seduced with the brightness of the fire and I was burned…badly burned.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Being Normal
This is a very tiring day for me. Yesterday was my grandpa’s 85th birthday almost all my relatives came. We have a big family…Like 50 cousins, 60 aunts, 50 uncles and many more…
Well…when I was working I am tired not that I am at home I am also tired! I don’t know what to do without being tired! I woke up 7 am. After having my cereal, I was asked to cook the spaghetti sauce and the noodles and the chicken and the cheezesticks…gosh! I am really...really tired…
After attending to my niece’ chums…and after washing a mountain pile of dishes I am really…really… tired. I had a warm shower then I went straight to bed. But I could not sleep. I was thinking about my conversation with one of my bestfriend. Topic: Being normal.
Things were not always ordinary for me. When I was in grade school I was kinda known for being a smart kid and brat. In high school…well…I am not a brat anymore but being placed in the star section, the low life ooops… sorry the lower section I mean thought that all in the star section are self absorbed and ego-flaring people. In college I thought this would be my chance to experience a normal life, but public service snatched me from the normal life I wanted. Department president, ed-in-chief of the school paper, member of five internal organizations and three external ones…now tell me, who can possibly lived an ordinary life?
My first love was the only thing ordinary that happened to me. He was an ordinary person who came from an ordinary family with ordinary friends and ordinary lifestyle. However, I wasn’t given the chance to share his ordinary life .Two days ago I was pondering about this with my bestfriend. And this was the 10th time I discussed this to her and of course I was tell off about the topic. I know I sounded like a broken record but is it too much to ask?
All I want is to have a normal life like any other girl at my age. You know date a “normal guy” in the most normal way…fast-food, movies, phone calls and all. But then again, if things were not the way they were I might miss a lot of things…like my family orientation, my cherished friends would be different, and my choices would have been reversed. Anyhow, maybe I ought to be content with what I am.
Well…when I was working I am tired not that I am at home I am also tired! I don’t know what to do without being tired! I woke up 7 am. After having my cereal, I was asked to cook the spaghetti sauce and the noodles and the chicken and the cheezesticks…gosh! I am really...really tired…
After attending to my niece’ chums…and after washing a mountain pile of dishes I am really…really… tired. I had a warm shower then I went straight to bed. But I could not sleep. I was thinking about my conversation with one of my bestfriend. Topic: Being normal.
Things were not always ordinary for me. When I was in grade school I was kinda known for being a smart kid and brat. In high school…well…I am not a brat anymore but being placed in the star section, the low life ooops… sorry the lower section I mean thought that all in the star section are self absorbed and ego-flaring people. In college I thought this would be my chance to experience a normal life, but public service snatched me from the normal life I wanted. Department president, ed-in-chief of the school paper, member of five internal organizations and three external ones…now tell me, who can possibly lived an ordinary life?
My first love was the only thing ordinary that happened to me. He was an ordinary person who came from an ordinary family with ordinary friends and ordinary lifestyle. However, I wasn’t given the chance to share his ordinary life .Two days ago I was pondering about this with my bestfriend. And this was the 10th time I discussed this to her and of course I was tell off about the topic. I know I sounded like a broken record but is it too much to ask?
All I want is to have a normal life like any other girl at my age. You know date a “normal guy” in the most normal way…fast-food, movies, phone calls and all. But then again, if things were not the way they were I might miss a lot of things…like my family orientation, my cherished friends would be different, and my choices would have been reversed. Anyhow, maybe I ought to be content with what I am.
Friday, October 01, 2004
Hay.....
I was forced to go to Manila after receiving a call from a school I applied. I was scheduled for an interview the next day. I reached the city at 10:00 pm. Manila was as busy as ever. People hurrying their way home. However, some are just starting their night, in the dark ally of the city, conducting their underground business.
Before going to my brother’s place (where I usually stay when I am in the city), I went to a fast-food to eat my dinner. My stomach was empty when I left and I didn’t eat anything while on the bus, so you could just imagine how hungry I am. While eating my burger and fries, I was thinking about a lot of things. Do I really want this job? What do I really want? Why is my life so pathetic? And many other questions that I could not give answers.
When I was a small girl, I always wanted to be a teacher. Now…. I don’t know. Actually I came to a realization that after finishing college I still don’t know what I really want. Funny but everybody thinks that I have a promising career as a psychologist, I believed that too. However, unfortunately, I don’t know what I want.
I can apply on different jobs related or not related with what I studied and land on the job. Never did I once doubt my confidence and my skills but the question will be….Is that what I want? At this point I know my life has no direction until I discern what is my purpose.
There is only one thing that I know will help me, it’s HIM. Last night I prayed to God to give me a sign. I ask him to clear my mind and show me the path that I should take. I trust Him.
*********